before I came back to Uk

Yea man. I can't stop saying how much I enjoyed the time I had in Brunei. It's going to be a bloody long time before I get back home and I can tell you now that I can't wait to get back.

First of all, there was my aunt's wedding. My grandparent's youngest daughter finally got married. What I liked about it is that, it gives a reason for the family to come together and its great just about most of the time. It's awesome. Of course as the wedding day comes, everyone is stressed out to get everything done and that's when it gets irritating. Minus that, it's all good.

Then there was the DOTA sessions with the guys; Mirul, Hasz, Azizi, Naim, and Hafiz. We're always at it for days and it'll last for hours. Especially if it turns out to be a very good game. All the curses, joke and fuck ups we did were never less than enjoyable. Unless someone's laptop starts to lag and ruins the game. But its a very rare occurence so its always a good game through out.

During Siti's birthday, we went places like the Mall and the taman at the capital. Yes, it was also one of those good times. Those that were there were, Azizi, Naim, Hafiz, Effa and Amal. After Siti and Effa did their shopping, we all went to the Taman at bandar to have dinner and help Effa get her Longans.ahaha.






During the fasting month, besides breaking fast at home, there are times when I go break fast with my friends quite a number of times. My first time being with Putri, Hanz and illa at the mall. Soto rindu, Senkurong, with Azizi, Naim, Effa and Siti. At KFC Kiulap with Mirul, Has, Azizi, Hafiz, Mamul, Dayat, Naim, Siti and Effa. Then a family break fast at Mister Pizza the Mall, My treat as it was Arib's (my 3rd brother) birthday. We all ate there except for the dad.

After breaking fast at Soto rindu earlier with Effa, Azizi, Siti and Naem, We went to the Mall. What we did was enjoying ourselves at the Arcade. Me and Zizi were playing time crisis 4 and he was the one who took most of the tokens -.- then later after that, I joined Siti and Effa in their Karaoke sessions. Me and Effa sang Remind me by Nickleback



Of course, there were horrible times. Family problems has been improved slightly. But I'm glad that I've done that much and I want to do more as it wasn't enough. But still, new problems arise and got me the headaches -.-

Then there was the Break up, yeah Zoel is single again. I won't go into much detail as I've already mentioned it in the recent post. The guilt is there I tell you. But it's not entirely my fault. And we are in good terms. I just want to live a single life for a while ;)

And now I'm back in UK. Don't ask me how the flight was. Thing is I kept thinking about home through the whole flight. I'll be back ;) Owh yea, Me and the Brothers blew something up before we went to the airport. I'll post it soon .

Leaving the Motherland

Just a few hours to go..

Sigh..

Its been really great guys..

everyone..

Thanks :)

this day to remember

Today is me and illa's 20th month anniversary..and also the end of it all. Yes, it's over..I made the call..

Love just cannot be forced no matter how hard you try. Now it is time to move on with our lives. Cherish those happy moments and learn from the mistakes that we made..

illa, I know you've been reading my blog, I would like to say thanks for everything. and sorry that we could not make it last longer than this. Thanks for accepting my love for you and giving me the love that I've ever wanted. Thanks for giving me that chance.But I'm sure we've done enough. We shared good moments and loved them. Those times will be missed and hard to forget.

It all started on the 23rd January 2007..

when we just got started

after my first ship few months ago

I'm really going to miss those days. Again I'm sorry for the sudden change of heart. There are things that changes us and I hope you understand that. I know you've tried your best, but it's alright. Thanks.

I wish you the best and hope you continue to be happy without my presence. Take care..

And now I undertake the test, mental test. To see whether I have learn from my past and not repeat the same mistake again. Which is the inability to control my emotions and let them take over me. I know I can do it. I know I've changed, I've become better. If things go wrong, that is why I have friends like you..But I'm sure I alone can do this..

and again,

thanks..

Gathering sungkai at KFC Kiulap

Few days ago on the 17th, me and my closest friends had a gathering for breaking fast at KFC, Kiulap. There was Mirul, Hasz, Azizi, Hafiz, Siti, Effa, Mamul and Dayat. It was sort of great. The fact that all your friends are there with you and having a good time. Theres always a BUT, I fell sick and didn't finish the food and ended up giving my last piece of chicken to Hafiz -.-

After that we went to fun donuts for just a few minutes before going back home. We were planning on going out before that but since Hasz wanted to finish his assignments we were only left with one car so had no other choice. I really wanted to go out but owh well. Just a few more days to go. sigh~

this feels wrong

Its been nearly a week..

Yet I don't feel nothing..

Not anymore..

This feels wrong..

I feel guilty..

in pieces

Ever since I got back, there has been nothing more than problems. Family being the biggest of them all. It hurts that, no matter how much you tried, there are always things that would drag you to that bottomless pit where you feel damned.

I am again; Lost. I have lost my sense of purpose. I've lost the reason to move on, to move forward to stand my ground. I feel nothing but guilt and despair. When I tried to lessen the burden, more problems arise that I've never thought would happen. and this feeling that tells me that I am the cause of it. I couldn't stop it.

Despite all those effort and the time I spent away, yet I felt unappreciated. Wasted. What I did was never enough and I am sorry that I couldn't give more that I could offer.

Yes, reality is harsh. but it's kind of better this way. Knowing the truth.

and now I condemn myself. I am broken. I am in pieces..

Scares me

When I was onboard my last ship, I keep on listening to the same news. About 5-7 times. And it scares the shit out of me. What happened was that, most of the bruneian crew had their wives cheating on them while they were away. Reason was for being lonely. Even happened to good Bruneian crew and those who just got engaged.

shit -_-

talk

I went out with a couple of friends for Sungkai at Soto Rindu in Sengkurong. We didn't really eat alot since we were full after the first rounds. Luckily it was cheap. $6 per person. yeap it was good.

Later we went to The Mall enjoying ourselves at the arcade. Singing if not going for Time Crisis 4. On the way back home, me and my friend of mine had a long guy to guy discussion. About relationships. It was great really. It feels good when you let yourself loose. Its hard when you mixed all your problems together; family, relationship and personal problems. My friend advice me that I should try not think too much about my relationship problems than my family probs. Which I am already doing. I just want to take it slow. Take a break. More than enough stress and too many problems too think about. Life is just a bitch most of the time.

back home

I'm finally back. Back where I belong. Of course I still had plenty of work to do as I came home a disappointment. I didn't do well on my last ship.

Feels good to be back. Until the brothers told me stories about what has been going on when I was not around. How it all suddenly changed the moment I set foot in this house. I feel somewhat awkward. Life is cruel when you know your surroundings could be somewhat pretentious. It hurts. But somehow I feel good in a way, that I'm a big part in these people's lives. Cause things become more positive during my presence but still sad to the fact that I'm not always around to try keep it that way.

For now, I'll just focus on the task at hand. I have models to assemble, people to take studio photos with, assignments and reports to finish. I'm going back to UK very soon. Just 3 weeks to go. i won't be able to celebrate raya here. But 3 week's of fasting is worth the while and I could ask nothing than that as I could not endure having to rely on Maggi Goreng for sahur. sigh..

Now..what do I do next?