- thought -

I believed the friendship I thought we had would last...

The closeness has somewhat, disappeared..

That we'd be good buddies..

I guess you don't want to have anything to me anymore..

Maybe I'm just overreacting? I just can't help feeling this way..

at least,

you've could've told me what I've done wrong.

- The Cat that made my Day -

Eye-Patched =_+

Probably some people are wondering what the fuck happened to my left eye =_=;

shit happens as usual. Found out the redness on my left eye wasnt going away back last saturday. So I had a closer at the mirror and found something IN IT. Yeah. The chief officer checked it and found that whatever it is. It went into my eye.

So there I was yestry, in the eye clinic in Chiba. The doctor had to scrap it off with a scapel. Yes, no drugs were used. So I had to bare it =_= I felt the edge of the blade as the doctor scraps of the bits off my eye. Yes it was scary shit. Then to my surprise, there were 2 objects in my eye!! and I only saw 1. sigh. So they made me wear the eye patch, to prevent infection for a couple of days. The only time I can take it off is when I take my medication. Yeah, 2 types of droplets to be taken every 4 hours which means 6 times a day.

Urgh, why do these things keep happening to me?...must be telling me to go home =_=;

Hate - Explicit Content

I hate the fact that I'm holding in so much hatred and vengeance inside of me, I want it out!! Anger management sucks!!

I hate the fact that I feel that I'm used as an emotional garbage!! People throw all their problems at me like I'm some kind of dumpster and just leave me to rot like nothing ever happened!!

I hate the fact that people keep saying that we have something, but then disappears all of a sudden!!

I hate the fact that I'm being judged even though you've only known me for a short while!!

I hate the fact that I can't stop thinking about my problems!!!

I hate the fact that love is not always working for me!!

I hate the fact that I tend to have the need for Love!!

I hate the fact that I'm being ignored!!

I hate the fact that life can be a lot worst than it already is!!

I hate the fact that I'm always depressed!!

I hate the fact that I can't do things on my own!!

I hate the fact that I have always hated myself!!

I hate the fact that I'm always misunderstood!!

I hate the fact that I'm inferior to many!!

I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try, I'm still weak!!

I hate the fact that the people I thought will always be close to me left me!!

I hate the fact that I hate all this!!

I hate the fact that I made this post..


Please forgive me..

Ultimate

I think too much. I really do.

as its what always keep me up each passing night. so much thought inside my head. Images of the past and the future that I hope for. The future I wish to give to the people I love.

This is where the problem lies.

I've given up more than just my future for them. That.. I value myself lesser now. This isn't lack of confidence. It's something else. For the sins I have commited, for the future I have a chance of giving to others. I gave up my own future. I gave up my life. My life is theirs and I will use every tissue of my body, every drop of blood and my soul to protect them.

But like any other human, I can only do so much. I have my limitations. Physical limitations. Things beyond our control. Like illness and accidents waiting to happen. There is nothing that i can do, to stop them.

I realise that, once I've achieve my ultimate goal, I do not feel the need to continue on with my life. Because I have served my purpose, I feel complete and fulfilled that I would not care if my life was to end right after that. and I don't even mind..

This scares me.

This shouldn't be the way that things were suppose to end for me. As a friend of mine said; "you're still young, my friend". She speaks truth. Thank you. Maybe not now, but I will do my best. To create a future for myself. ambitions, love, dreams of any sorts. Yes. But that will have to wait. I will continue to pursue my ultimate goal. Clearing all obstructions in my path. To put a smile on the faces of the people I love..

To give them a place they can call home..

My life is theirs and thats how it will always been..

Ya Allah..

Please guide me..

Trivium - Dying in Your Arms

I'm wearing thin wearing out becoming weak
Holding hands with this rope she's my self-destructive
Bleeding disease the things that makes it hard to breathe
But if I shoved you far away
This addict just starved again asphyxiated

[Chorus]
And now I see it's you that's tearing me ensnaring me
This is me dying in your arms I cut you out now set me free

Lynched high above what used to be
In her gallows built for me
So I escaped cut this noose around my
Neck I break free to see the things you blinded me
And I shoved you far away
Now I live the life I dreamed of
You're dead to me

And now I see it's you that's tearing me ensnaring me
This is me dying in your arms I cut you out now set me free

And now I see it's you that's tearing me ensnaring me
This is me dying in your arms I cut you out now set me free


You poisoned my life
So I take this knife
And I cut you out
Cut you out

And now I see it's you that's tearing me ensnaring me
This is me dying in your arms I cut you out now set me free

And now I see it's you that's tearing me ensnaring me
This is me dying in your arms I cut you out now set me free

wolf

For a moment, I sat here on this chair, staring at the screen. I began to realise. Realise why I was alone.

It is too much to be considered a coincidence. I now believe that is the work of fate. Something that was meant to be. Something to prepare me for.

I thought it was bad of me to be alone, to stay away from others, even friends. Now all that has changed. Looking at myself last night, I realized that all that served a purpose. Here I am today, away from home, from friends. Away from anyone who is ever close to me. Alone. Yes. This was why. I believe now that I was preparing myself for this.

I felt glad.

No matter how much I’ve changed for the past 2 years. This is the part of me that will never leave. No matter hard I’ve tried. Heh. Now I don’t really have a reason to change that. I will continue to be in my world, in my beliefs..even if it means being away from close friends.. being on my own again..cause at times..this lonesome feeling is somewhat..calm..comforting..
I’m sorry. My friends. That I will have to be this way. But know that nothing will change between us. The only thing that I hope is that, I do not my smile and close this heart of mine as I go this dark narrow path again…

Being alone..

Being me =)