understand

wow, all this time.

Now i finally understand why you said that you're ready to let me go. You could have least be honest with me. I just had to find it out for myself.

thats just nice. so the truth was that I never had anything at all, all this time. damn, I never felt so stupid such as this for a long while.

Most of the time

I guess, if people hardly see each other for so long. The distance in between gets larger, eventually forget each other. well, most of the time.

sad.

Self - Punishment

It has been a reflective morning this has. While trying to take my so called 'Powernap', I had a lot of things going through my head. This time it just hit me. I couldn't take it. This was not the life that I wanted.

I did not want to sleep late nearly everyday just to play games, continue doing my assignments at the very last minute, last minute revision for exams, sleep in daytime due to lack of sleep the night before and submit assignments late. No, this was not what I wanted.

I wanted to wake up in the morning feeling fresh, get enough 7-8 hours sleep each day, submit assignments on time, do revisions and MCA oral practice each night, go out more and explore the UK, play games but still management to have rest and do work. Nope, this didn't happen. So yet again, I am disappointed in myself.

Mother was right. It was a very wise decision for me not to bring my xbox along with me. I wouldn't be able to study with its presence. But because I lacked gaming entertainment, I gone back to playing World of Warcraft again. Not as addicted as it was last time though, but due to lack of time management, it affected my studies.. again. I don't blame Blizzard for my addiction, I blame myself for not having any self-control. I'm at fault here, not them.

Today, I have not slept for the past 22hours. Yes, its been almost a day. I couldn't even take a nap due some personal reasons. its just horrible.

I decided to punish myself; I'll be attending an Expo in London on the 30th. I was planning on cosplaying for the sake of it. I was still looking for costumes even now. But looking how things are, I've decided to cancel the cosplay and just attend the expo as it is. I've let myself down, I pay the price. This is nothing compared to the end result of my course. There is a far greater price to pay if I do not succeed. Failure is unacceptable and I would rather give my own life than fail.

Mother was also right about another thing; friends do not help you pass. She did not mean it in a bad way. What she meant was that, hanging out with your friends alot just enjoying yourselves does not help me pass my exams. Unless you hang out and study together at the same time, that is something different.

Mother, for so many years, I have seen you shed so much of your own blood, sweat and tears to keep the family together and strong. You would rather do all the house chores instead of us, so we can focus on our  studies. You would stay up late so that we would wake up and revise for exams. You would spend every single cent that you have so that we could finish our projects or homework, and to have something to eat each night. Regardless of countless operations you've been through, how weak your body has become, you never fail to keep us apart. Even now.

Yet, I realise that I haven't shown much of an appreciation for everything that you have done. I hate myself after realising this fact. But I can tell you, that I've changed since then. I'm not the bastard I was few years ago. I have also become unshaken by broken relationships as well. It was all because of you. You made me this strong. I thank Allah for giving me such a mother. I feel blessed. But what I need to do now, is to repay for everything that you've done for us.

I don't want to be someone who you will be proud of. But someone who will take away all your pain, to take away you and everyone else in the family from all those that hurts, looks down and despise us. Away from people who thought that we will never be able to get anywhere. Who believes that none of us will ever succeed. We will prove them wrong. I will, and I must, take us somewhere far away...

To a place that we can truly call home.

Now, the only plans I have left is to get guitar and to go up North to meet someone special. So if I continue to let myself down, I will have to cancel those as well as punishment. Of course, I wont let them happen. Everyday is a challenge for all of us, no matter how easy or hard it is, we will overcome if we put more effort into it.

This I promise you, Mother, I will never let you shed anymore tears ever again. None of us will.

The choker

kay, people are going to ask me..WHY THEY FUCK AM I WEARING A CHOKER?? my answer is, I don't really know - - was it influence? nope. Trend? nope.

To be honest, I've always wanted to wear 1 just like this since last year and I like I said I don't really know why. But I like it though. The guys were pretty damn shocked to see me wearing it. haha. I don't blame them. They say I look gay and stuff. But I don't really care. I kinda of like wearing it. Its better than getting 1 of those spiky ones. This one looks much more pleasant.

I was really embarrassed to show this because I'll be judged. But hey, I don't care. This is me =)

Burning the Midnight Oil Again

Here i am again. Sitting down staring at my laptop for hours trying to finish this 4000-5000 word assignment. Just another thousand to go then I should be done. Like a lot of people, why do i let myself delay the work? I mean, this work needs to be submitted by this Tuesday. Which is another day? I'm always disappointed in myself as I fail to stop myself from finishing my work at the very last minute. I'm lucky enough to have picked an easy project to work on. If not, I would probably hang myself right now for being a cunt. heh

I'm almost there. I probably be going down to the city later to get some of my work printed, get some stationary and some shirts. I really need to get some new clothes in. I mean, ALL OF MY SHIRTS ARE BLACK!!! Am I really that dark? its kind of funny if I think about it. So I need to add some colours in my life.

Urgh - - back to work. Lecturer wasn't kidding that we're going through hell this final phase. Resits and orals. I'm going to need to do something to keep my sanity in check. lol