Next Week's (commencing 03/05/10) agenda

Alright, since Monday will be a bank holiday. It gives me 1 extra day to finish up:-

• Finish my WBL assignment and completely organise my Navigation and Operations workbook
• Be ready for my stability and voyage planning exams
• Hand in some of my outstanding assignment resits

I'm hoping to achieve this next week. Need to get it working

Breakdown

I am just one of those people who easily gets into a nervous breakdown. No matter how much I tried to keep myself composed, I still end up in that state. Trembling, confused, indecisive and unconfident. It is one of those states that I really hate being in, especially when it involves giving out a presentation to a number of people, or talking to a superior.

Yesterday was 1 of those bad times to be in such state. I was completely overwhelmed by the superiority of the man from the company who paid us cadets a visit. He states out facts that were disappointing but true that it hurts. I could feel my spirit shatter as he continues to comment on our actions and progress to date.

As I said earlier, what hurts the most is that these facts are true. I had nothing to back myself up, to keep myself standing. So during the whole session, I was filled with nothing but guilt,regret and disappointment for my lack of good performance. But what is there to regret when these things has been done? The only option I have now is continue to move forward and pick up my pace as I did earlier.

Looking back at the session yesterday, it makes me wonder what will happen when I stand up against the MCA orals examiner. I need to build up my confidence in order to answer his question with confidence. There is still time. Action needs to be taken.

You and Me

ok comrade, from now on its just you and me. Whatever I have in me and it needs to come off, you're it. I don't care if people will read it or comment on it. If they have a problem with what I have got to say about others, thats they're problem not mine. Its change that I decide to take upon.

Help wanted?

In the end the day, I've only got myself to turn to. I can't help with the fact that, no how much you try to the distance between you and someone you really care about from getting further, it just does. People will continue to change, and this either brings you closer or further from each other.

Harsh it is. But who am I to stop people from changing? I'm just guy with nothing to offer. Yes, I offer advise, and yes I offer a ear to listen to people's problem. Now I ask myself, do I ask anything in return? As much as I don't, I have this expectation that I will get something at least.

For a number of times, I've gone through this 'close and gone' phase. Where the first few weeks and months you were so close, then the next, they just disappear without a trace. Its either because of a relationship, or work, or whatever. And during those phase, you make small little promises that for some fucking reason, they were never kept. Thus I am left unfulfilled and being taken granted for. I guess I am just expecting too much from what I've done. As if there is no sincerity to the helping hand I continue to offer to others. It can't be help since I'm just as human as anybody else. I have desires, and I'd like to give and take at least for sometime.

This has happened quite a number of times, and to be honest it's beginning to piss me off. Thus I'm starting to question the friendship I have with a few. Of course, quite a lot of people know that regardless of how many people you have on Facebook, MySpace or Friendster, the number of real friends that you really have there are of a small amount. Sad, but true yes? well, not for all I guess. But certainly is for me.

I feel as if all the change I tried so hard to make; to open myself to others, to be more approachable, more friendly. Seems to produce the results that I'm not really hoping for. Not really encouraging me to go on this way. In the end of the day, I only find myself staring at this god forsaken laptop, thinking of how I could vent off my anger and depression. I find it hard to find people to turn as they themselves are busy with their own lives and I respect that. Being away a lot is such a bitch. I just don't like being the one who always starts a conversation, and its a fucking bitch when it just stops there and the person on the other of the chat window just goes silent, next you know, they just signed off? well, its understandable if its due to bad connection or got something to do urgently. But happening so frequently? I get this impression that I'm just one of those people who you don't like talking to and wish that I could just shut the fuck up.

Will I continue to let this go on? we'll see. I know I have better things to do.