Help wanted?

In the end the day, I've only got myself to turn to. I can't help with the fact that, no how much you try to the distance between you and someone you really care about from getting further, it just does. People will continue to change, and this either brings you closer or further from each other.

Harsh it is. But who am I to stop people from changing? I'm just guy with nothing to offer. Yes, I offer advise, and yes I offer a ear to listen to people's problem. Now I ask myself, do I ask anything in return? As much as I don't, I have this expectation that I will get something at least.

For a number of times, I've gone through this 'close and gone' phase. Where the first few weeks and months you were so close, then the next, they just disappear without a trace. Its either because of a relationship, or work, or whatever. And during those phase, you make small little promises that for some fucking reason, they were never kept. Thus I am left unfulfilled and being taken granted for. I guess I am just expecting too much from what I've done. As if there is no sincerity to the helping hand I continue to offer to others. It can't be help since I'm just as human as anybody else. I have desires, and I'd like to give and take at least for sometime.

This has happened quite a number of times, and to be honest it's beginning to piss me off. Thus I'm starting to question the friendship I have with a few. Of course, quite a lot of people know that regardless of how many people you have on Facebook, MySpace or Friendster, the number of real friends that you really have there are of a small amount. Sad, but true yes? well, not for all I guess. But certainly is for me.

I feel as if all the change I tried so hard to make; to open myself to others, to be more approachable, more friendly. Seems to produce the results that I'm not really hoping for. Not really encouraging me to go on this way. In the end of the day, I only find myself staring at this god forsaken laptop, thinking of how I could vent off my anger and depression. I find it hard to find people to turn as they themselves are busy with their own lives and I respect that. Being away a lot is such a bitch. I just don't like being the one who always starts a conversation, and its a fucking bitch when it just stops there and the person on the other of the chat window just goes silent, next you know, they just signed off? well, its understandable if its due to bad connection or got something to do urgently. But happening so frequently? I get this impression that I'm just one of those people who you don't like talking to and wish that I could just shut the fuck up.

Will I continue to let this go on? we'll see. I know I have better things to do.